Being able to feel halfway decent or “normal” today after feeling outright insane the last 3+ weeks makes me feel disgusting. 3 Weeks ago I was parked outside of a hospital wondering if I should check myself in. To have such a rush of emotion and be able to turn so far out of control,Continue reading “Feeling Good”
Monthly Archives: October 2021
Loneliness
I have been constantly surrounded by people for the better part of the last decade. 95% of the time it was at work though. People at work – those exchanges are frequently entirely transactional. Especially when you are in charge. Working as a Chef there are very few people that you can turn to. EveryoneContinue reading “Loneliness”
Put to Rest
***Trigger Warning*** You proudly yelled out that you hired me as a joke. The frumpy, nerd with literally no experience that you threw on the hardest station in a 300 seat behemoth of a restaurant. I watched you work through cancer, getting Chemo on your days off. My first mother’s day we lifted you inContinue reading “Put to Rest”
Group Day 3 – Extra Tools
To say that I have been woefully underprepared for any sort of overwhelming emotional attack is an understatement. I didn’t just not have tool belt full of things to help, I wasn’t even out of bed trying to get dressed yet. It was not possible to do work on these emotions. Just in this oneContinue reading “Group Day 3 – Extra Tools”
Taking back my life
Fuck this shit. I refuse to continue be this way. This is going to be hard and it is going to hurt but I am not going to lose. I will be damned if I go through all this fucking work and struggle to end up back in the same place I was. This isContinue reading “Taking back my life”
Stress
I am not sure that I could accurately describe when I feel stressed. I think at this point it was more like a state of being than anything. After some recent education into the stress response and what it can do to your body, I can now confidently say for the 5-8 years I haveContinue reading “Stress”
Regret
Like guilt this is a difficult emotion. It means you actively made a mistake – whether you own up to it or not is a different story. I feel like I regret a lot of things right now. Not taking advantage of my support systems to help bring me down from the ledge. Not consideringContinue reading “Regret”
Who am I?
Going through all this and purposefully taking action on myself and my mental health has left me with a lot of questions. The one that sticks out the most, the most aggravating, is I do not really know who I am… Not even in the philosophical sense, my identity as a core concept is gone,Continue reading “Who am I?”
Day 2 – What goes on inside
If you have never been – just like me, this is what an intense group therapy curriculum can look like. 75% of the stuff I have never even heard of before. I like to learn new things, so that is cool. I do have a tendency to be the kid in the back that doesContinue reading “Day 2 – What goes on inside”
Mistakes
I had taken myself off of my Anxiety meds. I think I was in a false sense of security. That I had overcome or “beaten” the need to have them. While I don’t think this is the cause of my breakdown – it did not help. My resiliency was at an all time low andContinue reading “Mistakes”
If you are going to be anxious anyway... 