Direction

One of the biggest emotions I have felt recently has been a lack of direction. Lost. Don’t know where to start and DEFINITELY don’t know where I will end.

It’s tough. Very tough. What I have been doing was extremely unhealthy but it felt like I had purpose, like there was something I was working towards. It was all bullshit, something that was entirely made up and only mattered in my head, but it felt like there was something I was achieving. In reality though my actions were just methods to cover up and avoid emotions.

A perfect example: very recently I had started a relationship (won’t go into much now, it’ll probably be its own slew of posts on it’s own) at the beginning it was amazing. It was like everything I had ever dreamed of needing from a relationship – I felt great, anxiety-free, open, caring. But after working the 8th,9th, 10th, 90-100 hour – 7 day week in a row. How thin that coating of being “alright” was became readily apparent. I was unraveling fast. To counter act that I grasped for things to cover it up – oh her birthday was coming up, better look for presents – try and do this small thing or that small thing. The speed with which I was getting bombarded by negativity and crushed by emotion – it was like trying to use a small bucket to keep the Titanic from sinking.

What does that have to do with direction? I was shook – all that so called purpose and success was poof gone. It was interrupting and putting into focus how little I was actually achieving, how little I have actually come in the last 5 years. How much I had deceived myself into believing that I was fine. It is an unfortunate casualty losing out on that relationship – it probably still would have ended, I knew I needed help – I just wish it was in a more healthy manner.

So now, no relationship to try and force good emotions, work now front and center being the root cause of everything. All my coping mechanisms – the measly fucking one – were moot. Useless. I was reaching out and grasping at straws to get me any sort of hit of some sort of good vibe. Things I didn’t even want to do, self admitted I wasn’t even ready to do.

I do wish – in hindsight – that I was slightly more open about how I was feeling. Bare minimum I wouldn’t have looked like such a crazed person looking to talk things out. At the very end I was straight anxiety, adrenaline and fight or flight. Zero conscious thought. But if I am being honest with myself and the universe in the last 5 weeks I was facing:

The most burnout I have ever felt in my life – I was 11 weeks straight at 90+ hours. The questioning of my career. Finding out my mentor died (lost contact – hint hint – working too much). Getting biopsies and getting the results be malignant (I was a ticking time bomb when I got this). Finding out my mentor actually killed himself.

This last one put me over the edge. As soon as those words entered my brain, I short circuited, my brain shut off. I basically became catatonic. I could not get out of my head 10,15,20 years from now – totally alone, shitty apartment, gun in my own hand surveying my life and seeing exactly what I did to myself and doing the same fucking thing.

The next few weeks were pretty much a fever dream, I was physically ill for a full week, totally hollow, crying, frantic, didn’t know down from up. That relationship stood NO chance of succeeding – would not have been a healthy partner even if we tried.

I had nothing, I felt nothing, I was standing still. Which is part of the problem. Even over the past 5 years – regardless of what my resume would tell you – I was standing still. Can’t be moving in any direction if you are standing still.

So that’s where we are now. Finding direction. I am the least active I have ever been with work. Ie: Not working. I am in therapy though, and about to start this intensive outpatient thing next week. Been watching a lot of YouTube videos on regulating emotions. Bought some books. Signed up for some online courses. Have exercised more times in the last week than the last 5 years (for the record that is twice so far). Eaten vegetables even, cause my diet consisted of recipe testing DSP and fried chicken the last 6 months.

Things are moving slowly. Very slowly. Movement of any kind though at least means progress is being made. Fingers crossed moving to a place that has the real version of me I envisioned at the end.

So for right now this is my direction.