Omission vs. Lying
I used to consider myself a pretty honest person but, I have actually struggled these past few weeks with that notion. I have NEVER willfully lied to someone. What I do/did may actually be worse though.
The Oxford Dictionary defines Omission as: a person or thing that has been left out or excluded. Now just excluding something is not inherently a bad thing. Purposefully omitting something though, actively selecting tidbits to leave out or skate around. Upon deeper reflection I am now being left to ask myself; how is that any different than lying? The Oxford Dictionary defines a Lie as: an intentionally false statement.
Sure you can say – “nothing I said was false though” but, if the remaining context you purposefully left out changes the scope of the message you are a god damned liar.
Regardless of the reasoning – it does not fucking matter. I have never maliciously held back info – I have used every reason not to: Don’t want to be a burden, trying to act tough, minimizing an issue, thinking it is too “early” in a relationship to bring up something “difficult”, trying to keep yourself together (even if you really want to cry). Intent means nothing. At the end of the day its a lie.
Its a hard lesson to learn but someone who consistently supports you with the small things – WANTS to take on the big things as well. If someone leaves you because you have tears in your eyes – it will still hurt but you will be better off in the long run. Losing someone because you tried to be tough is going to feel 1000x worse. It is unfortunate that I speak from experience. I can’t say that I am able to fulfill the action yet, but bare minimum I can say message fucking recieved. Let yourself cry, let them know.
Emotions are exhausting
After just a smidge over a week and a half in this. It is taking a lot to not just give up and go right back. The amount of absolute ridiculousness it would be to give up and try and swallow this all down again – if it ever comes to find out that I gave up – punch me in the fucking face.
I have worked insane hours. Slept in my car in between days. “Showers” in the employee bathroom sink to save on time. Kept all sorts of hygiene supplies in my office so I can add 30 mins of sleep to my nights cause I know the next day may be 20 hours. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXHAUSTED THAN NOW.
This is such a process. At the beginning it seems like everything is a massive fight. Its confrontation after confrontation in your own head. The whole time you are trying to make excuses about why it happened, why you acted the way you did, how someone could act that way to you.
Guilt sucks
Being so good at eating my emotions and then having my first and at the same time extremely disastrous experience of a complete and mental break down, I managed to hurt someone I cared deeply about. Not physically – I was so far gone, so dissociative – zero processing, all reaction – nothing mattered but trying to escape from my predicament. Even worse – I wanted them to be MAD at me, to lash out, but they are much better at this emotions thing (a very large reason on why I enjoyed them so much) just able to vanish, enforce a boundry and walk away. I am stuck with the guilt in the aftermath.
My childhood blew
This is going to be something that probably pops up a lot. It took 2 full hour sessions with my therapist just to set the stage of everything that happened to me from 5 – 18yrs old.
In a quick summary my childhood was a long string of emotional and physical abuse tied together with mental, emotional, and substance driven experimentation to try and get me to be as obedient and conforming as humanly possible.
Its okay though, they were doing “the best they could”.
If you are going to be anxious anyway... 