I’ve only been awake for 2 hours but this .gif actively represents the state of my mind today. Literally zero stimulus and can wake up feeling this overwhelmed, this triggered, disconnected. If you or anyone else has ever said that they have had literally nothing happen that day but have felt totally garbage, been spaced out, can’t gather their thoughts enough to do X chore or Z task or even get out of bed. This is not an over reaction. This is reality. This happens more than I would ever want to admit to anyone. There is nothing specific that sets things off. You could be eating lunch – BOOM, in the shower – KAPOW, trying to exercise – FUCK YOU, your brain is going to do what it wants. Whether you like it or not.
Even right now as I try and extract some of this negativity and type this out, it is distracting and VERY present. Trying to utilize some of the techniques recently learned in therapy, and that You Tube video, and the self help book and anywhere you have looked – it feels daunting, it feels impossible. You try and rationalize the feelings to shake it out.
“It is just me versus nothing – me versus myself, my OWN brain. How is this so hard. I should be in complete control of this situation and myself”
Although they are just thoughts. Its not just you versus the you inside your head.
Its the you from childhood. You from that embarrassing situation. You from that fight. You from that time in school. You from that bad date.
They are all there, they are all yelling and they are all angry.
The most repeated advice I have received is to make sure you separate yourself from your thoughts. Your thoughts aren’t you. This is true. It is just very hard to be able to inject that thought into the riot going on in your brain. One “you” quietly whispering “Thank you, I need to be going now” while the rest are screaming:
GUILT.LONELINESS.ANGER.LOSS.CONFUSION.
At this moment I feel very “along for the ride” – barely into the beginning of morning, the rest of the day feels endless before I get a chance to try and start things off in a better mind space tomorrow.
Right now all I can do is keep practicing – “Thank you, I need to be going now” – make my voice stronger, more prominent. With practice I hope to be able acknowledge these events, these past/present/future versions of “me”, shake hands with them and keep moving through the crowd.
Not every day can be great… but, I at least have confidence tomorrow can be better.
If you are going to be anxious anyway... 