Who am I?

Going through all this and purposefully taking action on myself and my mental health has left me with a lot of questions. The one that sticks out the most, the most aggravating, is I do not really know who I am… Not even in the philosophical sense, my identity as a core concept is gone, its a placeholder. Undeveloped. I have a name – it ends there.

My career became my happiness, sadness, stress, relaxation, cause for negativity and also my coping mechanism. It was my hobby, passion and livelihood all rolled into one. It has been SO long since I have had other things in my life. Even when I was going to culinary school, I was taking extra classes, trying to graduate as fast as possible AND working a 40-50 hour extremely physical job on top of that.

Yes. Heavier class load which got me to graduate a year early AND 50 hours a week at work. This unhealthy fixation on achievement and proving myself has been here for a long time. I wanted to be someone worth keeping around (yay abandonment issues). I wanted to be someone to be proud of. Truth of the matter is I could not, no – not past tense, can not stand myself. I feel unlovable, a constant disappointment, that I have never done enough to make me someone worthwhile. I have cooked for billionaires, sports teams, fantastic locations across the country – who fucking cares. I couldn’t stand my own company.

In that pursuit I lost my interests, I lost most of the ties to my social circles, I lost me, myself and I.

I pushed so hard – with out having an actual personality split – I developed in a sense two personas. When I was at work I was unconquerable; nothing phased me. We always made it through, I was relied upon heavily. My experiences, intelligence and opinions mattered because I just gave that presence that I knew what to do, how to do it and we were starting – right now.

At home I was withdrawn, meek almost, shy, awkward and anxious. Focused on isolation. Reflecting heavily now I think it is because I was asking FAR more than my social battery could give. This last year my battery was on Extreme Power Saving mode, WIFI was shut off, screen was at the lowest brightness settings and I could not find the charger.

I have been asking more from myself than I had the ability to give. I am looking into different style batteries as we speak – just will take time, investment in myself and a bit of hope for the future.

I do remember a time when I had the ability to be that second persona in real life. I had not sold my soul yet. From 18-22 might have been the closest I have been to my “real” self. I could be the center of attention, outgoing, able to strike a conversation with anyone and everyone if they were willing to listen. I was going places, doing things and seeing people. I read books, and articles and built things and tinkered. All of that translated well into my career – I could diagnosis equipment easily – a child of tech, I knew all about basic repair plumbing/carpentry/electrical, negotiating contracts and talking out deals and pricing with vendors was a snap. What started out as my good personality traits transformed into this power persona and what was left is where I am now.

I managed to have a really great conversation with my best friend yesterday and it was eye opening. As a side note I do not call them enough and it is a travesty because I am missing out on support that I have desperately needed. They left me with: I needed to love myself more. It is true. I feel nothing about myself.

*For anyone reading this* After going through this mental crisis – I did realize I have a small yet powerful support system that I never drew upon. It was staring me in the face this whole time. I am sure you do too, it may be one person, it could be a whole group. I am positive there is ONE person who wants to hear your soul and help you digest what you have going on.

I cover up that lack of love for myself with trying to help others. I over help. Inserting myself into issues or venting that does not really need a fixing – might just a friendly ear or a shoulder to cry on. Getting someone to a solution distracts and pulls me away from having to pay attention to my own issues that I had, at this point, designed myself to ignore. I think helping others is admirable but there are still social cues, rules even for when you are talking to an individual person.

Cues and Rules, driven by anxiety and avoidance, were things that I would very much ignore. I can’t really tell right now but I don’t want to say it was ever coming from a place of ill intentions, the ill intentions were toward myself almost definitely it was just another avoidance tactic. I could gain +1 Serotonin for “fixing” something.

One thing is for sure god fucking help them if I cared about them even the tiniest bit – I think I could be pretty oppressive/smothering. I loved to get solutions, I love to get answers and solve things NOW. Looking something up on google is one thing – dealing with a delicate situation, with someone who may be feeling raw emotions is something entirely different. I could never give myself the chance to breath, process, and have a conversation about things. That is something that I am putting serious effort into now.

Who am I? That is very loaded. I am not sure I actually have a grasp of what I am right now. I am a person, a human, but disconnected.

I know what I want to be.

I want to be conscientious of peoples emotions. I want to have the ability to regulate my own emotions. I want to be vulnerable and realize it as not a sign of weakness but as the ultimate strength that it really is. I want to be a caring friend. A dedicated, passionate and honest lover. I want to be communicative. I want to be inquisitive about the world around me. I don’t want to stop learning. I want to be an active part of my community and social circles (will need to develop one first – please stand by). I want to have balance.

I want to be someone that has put in the effort to love themselves.

This is who I will be.