***Trigger Warning***
You proudly yelled out that you hired me as a joke. The frumpy, nerd with literally no experience that you threw on the hardest station in a 300 seat behemoth of a restaurant.
I watched you work through cancer, getting Chemo on your days off. My first mother’s day we lifted you in your office chair to your car because you just couldn’t power your legs enough to get to the car.
You were a dick. Total asshole. Not even in the like “it’s just a joke” playful ribbing kind of way. You were fucking great at what you did though. I started modelling my work ethic, drive and perseverance after you. I excelled. I went from your part time nobody, a joke, to lead cook in under a year.
You were divorced a couple times, your kid was kinda sorta in your life. Work was what got you through your days.
That life takes a toll on you.
You would never know what happened when I was younger, I barely recognized what happened. The life you were showing me was subconsciously everything I needed to survive. It gave me purpose and a sense of escape.
I remember texting you pictures every time I made some lavish dinner for a girl and getting you to critique it. Advice on where I should go next. Eventually though, I took after you too well, I stopped texting, you stopped contacting. We were busy people.
To find out you passed was heartbreaking. To find out how you brought your own end to yourself was mind numbing. I could never know, you were too good at keeping yourself in check to ever let on that you were hurting. Probably even to people you trusted far more than me.
I think that is what broke me – I could picture no scenario that I did not end up exactly the same way you did. Escaping so hard, probably don’t even remember what you were running from by the end of it. I don’t doubt that is where I would end up – 20 more years feeling the way I did and I would be begging for an end too.
In a turn of events though. It helped me wake up about myself. Where I was headed, how sick I felt, how unhealthy all this was.
Still had one more thing to teach me I guess.
RIP
Check on the people you care about.
If you are going to be anxious anyway... 