Loneliness

I have been constantly surrounded by people for the better part of the last decade. 95% of the time it was at work though. People at work – those exchanges are frequently entirely transactional. Especially when you are in charge. Working as a Chef there are very few people that you can turn to. Everyone works a lot, everyone is pretty much fighting the same fight. You build a work family, but when it is gone, pretty much all that you are left with is a LOT of phone contacts in your cell phone but very little actual connections.

I am left dealing with that now.

I stopped working because I needed a no holds barred attempt at bringing me back to center. Even in the 2 short weeks of day long group sessions and counseling I feel a major improvement. I am not “better” though. I think that was my biggest misconception on Mental Health. It is not like a broken bone, or a bad cut. Those have a defined and clear end point, where someone can inspect you or do a scan of something and say “yup! you are healed!”. Mental health maintenance and wellness is a chronic, lifestyle changing predicament that is with you for life.

That concept is one of the first things that I really absorbed in that this is not a series of battles where you fight in little bursts. This is a life long war where there is constant twists and turns and crazy circumstances. There are times of peace, and ease for sure. Sometimes it is vicious fight for dominance in your own mind. There is always some sort of thing that needs to be done to keep the fight going. Coping mechanisms, Therapy, Medication, just general life maintenance stuff. Other than brushing my teeth, showering and eating I have been largely ignorant to all of that.

Even with all that going on. It does not defeat the level of loneliness I am feeling. Just some sort of presence would be good.