Feeling Good

Being able to feel halfway decent or “normal” today after feeling outright insane the last 3+ weeks makes me feel disgusting. 3 Weeks ago I was parked outside of a hospital wondering if I should check myself in. To have such a rush of emotion and be able to turn so far out of control, so far out of myself, absolutely petrified me. There was a lot going on for sure, but for how I crumbled it still did not feel like it was enough. Especially if I compare my circumstances to others – so many have had it worse than me.

It is true that I am coming to a head of a life time of trauma, things that never have been dealt with, ignored, run from. This was an implosion of events all colliding together in a very short time. Even still, I don’t feel like my reaction was worth it even with all the pain I have felt and had resurfaced. I don’t feel like I am worth enough to have had something that affected me in such a way. What do I have to complain about?

Feeling good is what has gotten me in this mess in the first place. Gives you a false sense of security, like there is nothing left to work on. That is not even close to true. I know at least this time I am prepared to continue this work. I will not ever have my life taken out of my control again.

Already I have made some progress – but it is not enough. I need these things to become part of my routine. I need to become even more self aware, being able to notice when things are starting to invade my thoughts and be able to start parsing them immediately but even more importantly I think – be able to communicate that I need some back up and that I am having a challenging moment.

To feel good does not mean that you will never feel bad. That is the lie that I perpetuated inside my head. Anything different and you are lying to yourself and those around you.

Knowing these things doesn’t assuage me from feeling gross – inside and out. I feel like I owe everyone who has had to listen to my emotions a serious apology. To feel good now feels like a betrayal to them, if I am “fine” now so suddenly it could not have possibly been that bad and was a total over-reaction. These are thoughts I need to deal with incrementally and I am sure over time they will be easier to live with.

Feeling good should not make you feel this bad.