“The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Kintsugi
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi The Japanese have this method to repair cherished ceramics. They use gold a precious material to fill in the gaps of broken pieces. In this way it is believed that when it is whole again the item – whatever it was – is now more beautiful because of it having been broken and then…
Whirlwind
Life has been another amazing whirl of craziness. I am glad I am not working right now cause I definitely would not be able to handle everything. Have not been able to keep up posting. Stupid shit that is bothering me right now: Impatiently waiting for test results Cancer Pesky little procedures Wound care Healing…
Connections
*** I am alive *** I am rediscovering personal connections *** I have an opportunity to get healthy and I am following through with it For the first time in a VERY long time I am reminded of all the people in my life. I have been surrounded by people day in and day out…
Regular Day
One of the things that I want to start doing is regardless of what I am journaling on. Try and name 3 positive things that happened every day. Even if they are shitty. ***I finally signed myself up for sword fighting/fencing – I have been wanting to do that for years and always made excuses.***I…
Explaining Myself
After having been denied the opportunity to express myself in any sort of coherent way (belittled, called names, straight up ignored, insisting that what I was saying was entirely unimportant) for years and years. I am left with this insatiable desire to explain my actions. Even the smallest things: “you look good in that shirt!…
Feeling Good
Being able to feel halfway decent or “normal” today after feeling outright insane the last 3+ weeks makes me feel disgusting. 3 Weeks ago I was parked outside of a hospital wondering if I should check myself in. To have such a rush of emotion and be able to turn so far out of control,…
Loneliness
I have been constantly surrounded by people for the better part of the last decade. 95% of the time it was at work though. People at work – those exchanges are frequently entirely transactional. Especially when you are in charge. Working as a Chef there are very few people that you can turn to. Everyone…
Put to Rest
***Trigger Warning*** You proudly yelled out that you hired me as a joke. The frumpy, nerd with literally no experience that you threw on the hardest station in a 300 seat behemoth of a restaurant. I watched you work through cancer, getting Chemo on your days off. My first mother’s day we lifted you in…
Group Day 3 – Extra Tools
To say that I have been woefully underprepared for any sort of overwhelming emotional attack is an understatement. I didn’t just not have tool belt full of things to help, I wasn’t even out of bed trying to get dressed yet. It was not possible to do work on these emotions. Just in this one…
Taking back my life
Fuck this shit. I refuse to continue be this way. This is going to be hard and it is going to hurt but I am not going to lose. I will be damned if I go through all this fucking work and struggle to end up back in the same place I was. This is…
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If you are going to be anxious anyway... 